i reached saturation on thursday.  i don’t want to look at the newspaper anymore.  i don’t want to see any more images of flames or blackened earth, no more distressing pictures of burnt animals or smoke filled horizons.  i’ve had enough now.

i’ve had enough of most things at the moment to be perfectly honest.  i am frustrated with my inability to be of service to those who need the most help.  everything i’m doing feels trivial and of no consequence.  regular donations of money at my local bank don’t feel good enough.

my clients drove me to distraction today, i found myself pulling invisible faces behind their backs and not enjoying one single bit of my job.  

the wind is “boisterous” today.  it is unsettling and evil.  the weather is hotting up again.  surely there’s no more to burn?

last night i spoke with my aunt who lives in my “heart” of Victoria, a place that is very near to where the fires are but not quite near enough to be worried at the moment, it’s my “heart” of Victoria because it’s where i’d ALWAYS rather be.  she’s been wearing her “red cross volunteer” hat all this week and is exhausted.  i just want to get into my car and drive to there.  drive to where i can fold clothes or make sandwiches or answer phones or tick names off lists or clear burnt debris from roads and driveways or to where i can just sit and listen.

i feel so frustrated with life’s “trappings”, with the things that are keeping me here, on the peninsula, with the things that i am so blessed to still have, that so many have lost in the past week.  its not right is it? 

i’m angry that i am even considering taking a far north queensland holiday in april instead of spending my annual leave somewhere that needs help, and sad to know that if i suggest a “working” holiday instead it won’t go down at all well with my significant other.

i can’t even seem to summon enough positive energy to be thankful that those i know and who live in the fire affected areas are ok….. i just feel frustrated that i can’t be near them physically to look into their eyes and hug them better.

i can’t read books to take my mind off it all, i can’t do art and i certainly can’t be bothered creating a lovely meal for dinner tonight. i’m just wading through in a bit of a daze AND I’M NOT EVEN ON FIRE………….

that’s how the fires have made me feel yesterday and today.

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3 Responses to reaction

  1. wildnest says:

    beautiful, beautiful samm
    to feel you trapped, hear your heart breaking and see tears in your eyes just makes me want to take that sadness, frustration and sorrow away from you, just even for a little while so you can clear your head and breathe again. we, even in the same country, cannot comprehend what is happening to you all, what it is really like. all we get is the sensationalist media coverages in which sam the koala is king. and what to do? we’ve given money every time we’re asked but that seems so inadequate. my work is giving any of us who want to donate blood half a day off work to do so. i feel good about that; i may actually be helping someone. but do not deprive yourself of your joys and upcoming happiness. it maybe just what you need to rid yourself of the shock, horror and helplessness; to become reinvigorated and resourceful in terms of how to come back and help people.

    darl from what i’m guessing, all victorians are on fire – yes, some far, far worse than others – but you are all affected, all in shock and all hurting. courage and honesty to come to terms with this and you will, in time.
    love you and always here my dearest, newest friend

  2. Jenni Jones says:

    What you are feeling is similar to what so many others are feeling. I live in Sydney, but like you, my heart is in Victoria, where towns are being destroyed, and hearts and hopes with them.
    I was born in Morwell, and my mum and dad both grew up around there too, so my childhood memories are of green, always green, valleys and hills as far as the eye could see.
    My first reaction to the news of theses fires was to pack up my car, as full as i could, with clothes, towels, blankets…. everything, and drive there and try to help out how ever I could. It is so hard to sit back and do nothing.
    Then I realised that these people are going to need help in many forms for a long time, so the urgency to help was eased slightly.
    I have since become involved with a “Make a scrapbook photo album” for every family that has lost their homes.
    THis will be a start of new memories for them. They can get photo’s from other family members to fill their albums.
    The wonderful lady who is organising this is Sarah Gladman. If you would like to be part of this, all the details are on my blog. I feel as if I am actually helping the healing by being part of this. Maybe it will help you too.
    Jenni XXX

  3. jacky says:

    Samm….I really feel for you. I think many of us are feeling helpless at the moment and so desperately want to help. I dont know what to say except you are a lovely compassionate girl and I am sure you will find a way to help.

    Jacky xox

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