i reached saturation on thursday. i don’t want to look at the newspaper anymore. i don’t want to see any more images of flames or blackened earth, no more distressing pictures of burnt animals or smoke filled horizons. i’ve had enough now.
i’ve had enough of most things at the moment to be perfectly honest. i am frustrated with my inability to be of service to those who need the most help. everything i’m doing feels trivial and of no consequence. regular donations of money at my local bank don’t feel good enough.
my clients drove me to distraction today, i found myself pulling invisible faces behind their backs and not enjoying one single bit of my job.
the wind is “boisterous” today. it is unsettling and evil. the weather is hotting up again. surely there’s no more to burn?
last night i spoke with my aunt who lives in my “heart” of Victoria, a place that is very near to where the fires are but not quite near enough to be worried at the moment, it’s my “heart” of Victoria because it’s where i’d ALWAYS rather be. she’s been wearing her “red cross volunteer” hat all this week and is exhausted. i just want to get into my car and drive to there. drive to where i can fold clothes or make sandwiches or answer phones or tick names off lists or clear burnt debris from roads and driveways or to where i can just sit and listen.
i feel so frustrated with life’s “trappings”, with the things that are keeping me here, on the peninsula, with the things that i am so blessed to still have, that so many have lost in the past week. its not right is it?
i’m angry that i am even considering taking a far north queensland holiday in april instead of spending my annual leave somewhere that needs help, and sad to know that if i suggest a “working” holiday instead it won’t go down at all well with my significant other.
i can’t even seem to summon enough positive energy to be thankful that those i know and who live in the fire affected areas are ok….. i just feel frustrated that i can’t be near them physically to look into their eyes and hug them better.
i can’t read books to take my mind off it all, i can’t do art and i certainly can’t be bothered creating a lovely meal for dinner tonight. i’m just wading through in a bit of a daze AND I’M NOT EVEN ON FIRE………….
that’s how the fires have made me feel yesterday and today.